Update on the bad thing that happened

"GeorgeyBoy" (georgeyboy)
08/14/2014 at 11:55 • Filed to: None

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

She's physically alright. Just some bruises. We are thinking the worst did happen. Michigan denied us a rape kit due to jurisdictional issues. It's just one of those helpless crimes. We don't know what happened, nor can we really do anything about it. I wish I could've done more to find her. Just when you think everything is going great life throws you a giant curveball. I envy anyone that can be nice to people, right now I'm holding myself back from punching everyone I see.

DISCUSSION (86)

For Sweden > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 11:58

Michigan denied us a rape kit due to jurisdictional issues.

Call a lawyer.

thebigbossyboss > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 11:59

Glad she is ok. Definitely sorry to hear what happened. Sometimes bad things happen to good people for no real reason. Stay strong. Don't do anything rash, it will just lead to more heartbreak.

Reigntastic > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:01

Not too late for a rape kit, take her to a hospital, don't let her shower.

Whos car was she in?

GeorgeyBoy > For Sweden
08/14/2014 at 12:01

Not much they could do. They diverted us to Ohio to get one, but they told us it wouldn't do anything anyway. It took a lot to get her to go to the hospital in the first place, just not worth the emotional trauma.

GeorgeyBoy > Reigntastic
08/14/2014 at 12:02

Cleveland PD didn't really look into it.

505Turbeaux > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:02

what the fuck? Sorry to hear about this. I learned my lesson the hard way on this when I was 18. If you are a kid going to a show, travel in the biggest pack you possibly can. A friend of mine was supposed to meet me in Hartford for a show, instead he made it to Hartford on Lifeflight after getting dosed with 30 hits of acid and jumping off a bridge into 6 inches of water. I made it to the show and got to go see his ass paralyzed for the rest of his life instead. Man I feel for you seeing friends raped or taken advantage of as well. Pulling for both of you that mentally it doesn't scar her or affect your relationship. Physically the abuse has been done, that will heal, but that mindfuck....ugh

For Sweden > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:03

...and the rest of us have to worry about a rapist on the loose.

Call a lawyer.

Reigntastic > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:04

Some of our best and brightest, I'm sure.

TheJWT > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:04

Stay strong, dude.

My thoughts go out to you two.

Gamecat235 > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:05

I'm glad to hear that she seems to be ok physically. I cannot even imagine what the two of you have gone through.

Try to stay strong, but also get those feelings out or expressed in a safe or controlled manner if you have one. More importantly though, stay true to yourself and do what you can to get through this and help her through this.

jariten1781 > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:07

Sorry to hear this and best wishes.

If you think that happened you need to think about contacting an independent sexual assault crisis center. They're good at working through the embarrassment and shame that is inevitably felt and actually know what resources are available and rights you have since they deal with it in and out everyday. The general population isn't really equipped to deal with these situations since it isn't something we deal with regularly.

spanfucker retire bitch > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:07

Michigan denied us a rape kit due to jurisdictional issues.

That's some bullshit right there.

I hope she's alright and I wish her the best in her recovery; mentally and physically.

JGrabowMSt > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:08

talk to your health insurance company about getting a rape kit, even after the fact. Explain what you do and dont know and forward them the police report. Also ask about therapy options. Fine is not good right now. In the event you cant get good therapy, theres an alternative called therapy care. Do not wait, do not pass it off. If she develops PTSD, it needs to be diagnosed. Things can take an incredibly dark turn very quickly. Also, see if she has paid leave from work, if shes working. Contact her boss and the owner and explain that something serious occurred, but dont get into details unless they need paperwork. If she doesnt have any kind of paid leave. Ask the health insurance provider what they can cover.

Dont go through this by yourself, it was trauma for both of you in different ways, and you need to be careful with both her and yourself.

Be strong, you guys will make it through.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:08

Damn... I'm very saddened to read this...

davedave1111 > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:09

"Michigan denied us a rape kit"

Well then, you know who the perp works for. Contact an independent PD and demand a thorough investigation - after you've taken your SO to see real policemen and had the rape kit done.

Juan Tawn > For Sweden
08/14/2014 at 12:09

I am so sorry to hear that this happened. I am happy that she is alive. Ya I'd call a lawyer or lawyer friend.

HammerheadFistpunch > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:12

This stuff freaks the hell out of me.

quarterlifecrisis > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:13

Whoa.

ttyymmnn > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:13

That's some fine police work, Lou. Is it just me, or does it seem like the police aren't all that interested in solving rape cases?

GeorgeyBoy > ttyymmnn
08/14/2014 at 12:16

Doesn't seem like any cases. Wish I could've video taped my time with them.

yamahog > JGrabowMSt
08/14/2014 at 12:21

Please do exactly this, OP, and try to get in touch with a lawyer who can help you and her understand her rights in this situation, as the denial of a rape kit is definitely worth scrutiny.

Soloburrito > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:21

My opinion of police officers is slowly being eroded this week. Officers in Ohio and Michigan don't seem all that interested in doing their jobs apparently.

Dusty Ventures > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:33

I wish I knew a better, stronger way of saying "you have my sympathies," because that seems completely insufficient. Sadly, I know exactly how hard this is, because a few years ago I was in almost the exact same situation you're in now (with the difference being that she wasn't drugged and knew who her attacker was, though she never told me. She knew I'd go looking for him).

Being refused a rape kit is straight up bullshit. I echo the people saying you should talk to a lawyer. I also suggest finding a way to have a kit done. Be sure to bag and save the clothes she was wearing, there could be evidence on them.

I also have a suggestion that you might scoff at initially, but I think you should consider: share your story and ask for advice on Groupthink. A number of them (way too many of them, though really one is too many) have firsthand experience. They can give better support and better advice on what to expect and how to deal with this (both legally and emotionally) than I or just about anyone on Oppo ever could.

EL_ULY > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:37

Fucking hell :'(

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:45

...The hell?

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > Dusty Ventures
08/14/2014 at 12:47

I second the suggestion to crosspost to groupthink, and lawyer up ASAP!

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > davedave1111
08/14/2014 at 12:48

Yeah the denial of a rape kit seems sketchy as hell.

Stapleface-Now Hyphenated! > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:48

Damn. Sorry to hear the worst probably did happen.

I can't believe that the police are so fucking useless in all of this. Since they obviously have no intention of looking in to this, you might need to do it yourself.

Is there a facebook page or forum for that band/concert? Post up how she went missing or was attacked and see if anyone remembers seeing her, and who with. And give a description of the vehicle she was in too. Social media is a powerful tool. Put the screws to the Ohio PD and make them look bad, it can only help your cause I'd think .

Mercedes Streeter > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 12:59

Wow, this hit me hard to hear this. The girl I'm going out with soon has had a somewhat similar experience and I just don't even have the words to express the correct emotion. Best of luck to you both.

Follow the other commenters' advice (it's all top notch) for your next step. Freaking police, man...

Gamecat235 > Dusty Ventures
08/14/2014 at 13:02

To add to what Dusty is saying, if you would like this shared to GT, myself, Tom and a few others here have author permissions on GT and would be happy to do this if you would like.

If you don't want to, that's understandable, but please reach out to someone who can help the both of you.

And if you need any support from Oppo, let us know.

Milky > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 13:24

Well shit. I realize there isn't much to say that can make this better. You in SE Michigan and want a few beers on me?

PushToStart > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 13:28

the police need to get their shit together, there's no reason a crime like this should go practically ignored by the law. As others have said, get a lawyer, and it's probably a good Idea to get psych help.

I can't imagine how you two must feel right now, and I'm really sorry that any of this happened.

GeorgeyBoy > Milky
08/14/2014 at 13:34

Appreciate the offer. Might have to take you up on that.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 13:36

Damn this terrifies me. You have my best wishes for what it's worth, I hope she pulls through this okay.

Milky > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 13:42

I'm in Detroit and know more than a few places to get fantastic drinks. Sometimes that helps man ….

Georgeyboy > Gamecat235
08/14/2014 at 13:57

I wouldn't mind. I appreciate all the help from everyone.

Gamecat235 > Georgeyboy
08/14/2014 at 14:20

I posted over on GT on your behalf. If there are any concerns that arise, or any help you need on from oppo, or if there is a problem with the post, let me or Dusty know.

http://groupthink.jezebel.com/assistance-req…

Non Sleeping Giant > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 14:25

SO DAMN SORRY.

Dude, go blow off some of that rage. You'll timebomb otherwise. Punch something that's not alive until you've squashed a good portion of those dreadful internal questions.

I understand, man. I truly do.

doubletroublepox > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 14:28

Have you called a rape crisis hotline? https://www.rainn.org/get-help/natio… I would seriously advise calling them and getting advice. They should be able to refer you to specialists (therapists, doctors, and lawyers) in your area. Also, they should be able to provide both your GF and you with support.

ETA: Did the hospital test her for date rape drugs? Drugs like GHB only stay in the system for about 24 hours after that, you can't test for them. It's one of the reasons rapists like to use those drugs- often victims are mistaken as being severely drunk instead of drugged and aren't tested.

Cajun Ginger > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 14:37

how far you guys push as far as legal action has to be entirely up to her.

Reporting an assault can be as painful as the assault.

Just keep telling her over and over you're there for her whatever she needs. If she needs to be held, hold her. If she needs physical space, don't crowd her. If she needs to talk, listen. If she can't talk that's ok too.

I know you're hurting too so talk to us and your other friends.

We don't know her, but if it can help her, there are people at groupthink that understand. I think it was gamecat that mentioned that too many of us have our own stories. She is not alone.

TyrannosaurusBataar > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 14:41

I don't have any legal know how to contribute, but when this settles PLEASE encourage her to seek counseling. And you probably should as well. I was in a similar (albeit less violent) situation a few years ago and still have lingering issues. I really regret not doing everything I could to get into treatment.

I know the sense of powerlessness you are both feeling very well. I made a similar call to my boyfriend from halfway around the world a few years ago. Please take care, both of you, and feel free to post to me if you need shared to GT on anything else.

BlueJeans > For Sweden
08/14/2014 at 14:50

Make no mistake: if a rapist remains "on the loose" it's not the fault of the victim, it's the fault of the authorities who are refusing a rape kit and didn't even think to investigate the "random car" in which this poor woman was found. (Also the fault of the rapist, clearly.) If she chooses to push and pursue then we should all be as supportive as possible, but I will never fault a victim who looks at the obstructionist behavior of the authorities and sees it as logistically and emotionally insurmountable.

In the face of immense disinterest and/or discouragement on the part of the law, our #1 concern should be making sure this woman receives all the support and help in the world to protect her own well-being.

therealquash () > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 14:51

I'm so sorry for both of you. Echoing the other GTers: counseling is a must. It is hard to do at first, but the issues will linger. It is important for both of you. I don't know your ages, but some schools have excellent counseling centers if you are still in school.

Listen, and be there for her.

You should call a lawyer and get a rape kit if she is willing. It is hard to do and be fairly traumatizing. It is understandable that she may not want to do it. It should be encouraged, but you can't force her.

And as everyone else has said, send her our way. There's a lot of support over on GT for this sort of thing, sadly. But I guess that is why we all get along so well. ;)

vulvasaurus > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 14:52

Hey, you don't know me but I'm from GT. I'm so sorry that this happened.

If your girlfriend decides that she doesn't want to/can't handle going through the rape kit procedure or pressing charges, that's okay. It's a valid choice, one that many people (including myself) have made. Do whatever is necessary to make her feel safe and start healing. Unfortunately pressing charges often retraumatizes rape victims, and it's okay if she isn't in a place to subject herself to that.

Please remember to do self-care for yourself, too. You can't help her if you're emotionally fried and mentally preoccupied. I hope that she makes it out of this okay. Later the trauma and pain will be lessened. It never stops completely, but it becomes less of a heavy burden and more a thing that happened. Check out RAINN, they have great resources.

Take care.

For Sweden > BlueJeans
08/14/2014 at 14:52

I agree it is the authorities fault, but time is of the essence here.

C. Rhodes (croguesberg) > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 14:52

Myself and some other members of GroupThink have some experience getting PDs to respond to rape kit demands and other issues. Though MI denied you, did Ohio give you one? I have some loose connections in Cleveland that may be able to help if you need backup. If you and your girlfriend would just rather have privacy I totally respect that, but if you need anything at all please feel free to reach out. There are a lot of assault survivors on GroupThink that would be happy to help in any way they can. My email is croguesberg (at) gmail should you guys need anything.

BlueJeans > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 14:58

I am so, so sorry that this happened. I agree with the suggestion to lawyer up, if you can — the refusal to do a rape kit is total BS. She deserves justice.

I don't have much specific information to provide, but here is RAINN's help page — it includes links to their online and telephone hotlines and should help you find a local resource center for support.

Standing with her and being supportive will be a great help for her. Please look into counseling for yourself as well — the after effects of trauma visit themselves on loved ones as well as victims.

You have all my sympathy and support. Please know that you can bring your questions and concerns to GT any time you need.

lawlover > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 15:03

If she doesn't want to do the rape kit, fine. But if she does and the police are telling you there's not much they can do, or deciding it would be too much trauma for her, that is the biggest load of shit ever. If you need to go to Ohio to get it done, they need to call an ER or police dept in Ohio to get it done. Seriously. That is valuable evidence.

And we wonder why people hate reporting rapes to the police.

BlueJeans > For Sweden
08/14/2014 at 15:05

I agree — but the way you stated it seemed to put the onus on her to deal with a public danger she was victimized by. Her #1 priority (and GeorgeyBoy's) needs to be trying to protect her well-being. Protecting the public well-being is the job of the law and it sounds like they are massively mucking that up.

If she can push back to try and get them to listen to her, we should all support her all the way, but if the police are letting down their end of the bargain, how she proceeds is entirely up to her and has to be about what's in her best interest first.

LemonadeLover > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 15:06

Hey GeorgeyBoy, another GT-er here. I've worked in domestic violence advocacy, which often overlaps with rape crisis, unfortunately. Here in Wisconsin, we have nurses trained specially at certain hospitals called SANE nurses — they deal specifically with sexual assaults and domestic violence and are specially trained to assist in recording evidence while avoiding re-traumatizing survivors. If your GF has the energy (and it's totally understandable if she is just done with all of this), call hospitals near you to see if they have any SANE nurses, or similarly trained people, on staff. They can do an examination just to get whatever's there and take a rape kit, as well as photos of any bruises that emerge in the time after the assault. [ETA, future-relevant but not immediate: These nurses might be good people to follow up with for STI testing as things go forward if you suspect rape, even if she decides not to see them now. Many STIs take a few weeks to a few months to show up in tests, so this is follow-up care that she should think about as time goes on.]

Echoing everyone else from Groupthink — RAINN, Sexual Assault/Crisis hotlines, counseling/therapy — whatever your girlfriend is comfortable with. She needs to feel like she's in control of her life again, which in many cases means stepping back and letting her drive this one, but all of these resources can be enormously helpful both legally and emotionally. She's welcome to come join us on GT, too (as are you) if either of you feel like talking it out with people who have had similar experiences. If therapy isn't an option IRL, we can at least be a support group (or a supplementary support) as you both work through this difficult time.

Please don't forget to take care of yourself, too. Secondary trauma and emotional exhaustion is very real.

Celia the Vampire Slaying Vampire > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 15:09

It's okay if she's not willing to go through with it. I had a very negative experience trying to pursue my rapist that re-traumatized me. Of course, it would be best if this country just gave her a damn rape kit in the first place but I understand why she's not feeling up to it. I'm glad you're supporting her through this and respecting the calls she makes. A lawyer isn't a bad idea though. Especially because the cops are often no help. But seriously whatever she's up for. The risk of re-traumatization feelings are pretty high when you're in an invasive medical situation, so I get it. However, report to insurance and any doctors with whom she is comfortable (locating an all-woman OB/GYN practice might be a comfort to her). She needs her medical and therapeutic team ready and prepared and insurance informed to protect her from financial abuse from the medical field, too.

ETA: If you need any resources regarding assault survivor support or advocacy, feel free to let GT know any time. I'm a moderator there and am more than willing to ensure your requests are fielded with respect with my team. Keep a careful eye on any bloodwork done as well. Make sure more than one doc/hospital gets her bloodwork. My toxicity report was initially misread and used against me before being corrected by backup testing I had done.

For Sweden > BlueJeans
08/14/2014 at 15:10

We all have an onus to protect our neighbors; that's a pretty important part of civilized society.

There's an extremely violent criminal on the loose, he needs to be caught; the sooner the better, and we should all do what we can to facilitate his arrest.

AllTheFunAtOnce > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 15:12

Is it legal for them do deny a rape kit? At the very least she needs to get STI and pregnancy tests. Sorry to drop that on you as one more thing to be concerned about but unfortunately that is the bitterly cold reality.

Be sure to take care of yourself along with being there for your girlfriend.

alimum > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 15:20

RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network) exists to help you through this nightmare. They have a 24/7 hotline—1-800-656-4673. Please call them or visit a local center http://centers.rainn.org

I am so sorry this happened. Words are insufficient.

LemonadeLover > AllTheFunAtOnce
08/14/2014 at 15:25

Just a quick note: Pregnancy tests won't generally show until a minimum of 11-12 days after ovulation, and many STIs won't register on tests for a few weeks to a few months after infection, so these tests are more long-term care, while the rape kit is immediate. You may want to get Plan B from a pharmacy or Planned Parenthood (they'll often do it for free, and might give an exam too. I've had great experiences with PP nurse practitioners) as an immediate precaution if she's not on a regular BC method or may have missed a pill. (All very good ideas and very important measures — it's just important to remember that many of them won't be immediately effective or accessible!)

Cajun Ginger > For Sweden
08/14/2014 at 15:36

yeah no. Sorry dude. Reporting an assault is not like on tv. Last guy I reported, the detective told me it was my fault the internet predator went after teenage me. He threatened to frame me and my friends if I wouldn't withdraw my complaint.

I'm far from the only woman with a story like this or much worse. The system can be just as violent to women as their attackers.

For Sweden > Cajun Ginger
08/14/2014 at 15:37

Of course it isn't like on TV, TV is fictional.

The rapist WILL reoffend if he's not stopped. Another woman WILL be raped.

AllTheFunAtOnce > LemonadeLover
08/14/2014 at 16:13

This is much better and more concise information. Thank you! Needing to get those tests just popped into my head and I didn't put much thought into the time frame and alternatives like Plan B. Thank you for making my brief comment actually useful!

LemonadeLover > AllTheFunAtOnce
08/14/2014 at 16:26

I wouldn't have thought to mention a lot of it unless you had already — we're a good team!

barelylethal: shitass > For Sweden
08/14/2014 at 16:34

You're not understanding, I don't think. The rapist probably WILL reoffend even if the rape kit brings up a positive ID.

The Real Unsharer > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 16:37

Georgey, I'm a fellow Opponaut and GT'er, and I wanted to say I'm so incredibly sorry that your GF and you are going through such an awful time right now.

Right now, just be there for her as best you can. If she needs to talk, listen; if she needs some space, give her some. Let her tell you what she feels comfortable telling you at your own pace.

As other GT'ers have suggested, it would probably help your GF to get counseling. RAINN's hotline is 800-656-4673 and they're there 24/7 whenever she needs to / feels ready to talk.

Last, but not least, please take care of yourself too. While it's easy to focus on taking care of her right now, you need to take time to take care of your mental health too.

Best of luck to both of you. GT is here for you if you need us.

For Sweden > barelylethal: shitass
08/14/2014 at 16:40

If the rapist brings up a positive ID, then there's at least the slimmest chance he'll be brought to justice.

barelylethal: shitass > For Sweden
08/14/2014 at 16:43

And I think it's wonderful you think that. It's just that one can't fault a victim for choosing not to jump through the hoops because so often it doesn't end in bringing someone to justice. I agree with you that if they want the rape kit they need to talk to a lawyer but I don't fault her even a little bit for giving it up here, and not losing a single bit of sleep over the fact that her attacker may reoffend. It's not her fault in the least.

For Sweden > barelylethal: shitass
08/14/2014 at 16:44

not losing a single bit of sleep over the fact that her attacker may reoffend

...

Then we are very different people; violent criminals on the loose bother me greatly.

barelylethal: shitass > For Sweden
08/14/2014 at 16:47

You're either severely overestimating the conviction (and or even reporting) rate for rape or sexual assault, or severely underestimating the actual amount of rape or sexual assault that happens in the US.

For Sweden > barelylethal: shitass
08/14/2014 at 16:49

If I was, that would be an excellent reason for me to be even more worried about the number of violent criminals on the loose.

I see catching and prosecuting rapists as a good way to fight rape culture, and I don't think I'm wrong.

Gamecat235 > For Sweden
08/14/2014 at 16:54

In an ideal world, a rape kit would have been provided when it was clear that it should have been needed and potentially most effective. Regardless of jurisdiction. However, for reasons which are unknown to us, it wasn't. That is on the police, period.

If, after the fact, she elects not to re-traumatize herself on a diminishing returns chance of a match. I don't think that anyone other than her has the right to question that decision.

Overall, the goal of everyone here is to provide support (even indirectly) regardless of whether she decides that this is her battle. I have a teenage son and a three year old daughter. I would like to see every rapist removed from society. Period. But I have to realize that it is not my place to tell others what to do. Only to hope that they do what is best for society and themselves.

For Sweden > Gamecat235
08/14/2014 at 16:59

Maybe it's because I work with investigators (albeit not criminal ones), but I see the collection of evidence in the first few days after a incident or crime to be almost as important as protecting the victims. Note the almost; protecting victims is the top priority. No one try to twist my words here. The police are 100% at fault here.

Gamecat235 > For Sweden
08/14/2014 at 17:06

I understand the logical, rational approach to evidence collection as a necessary step for most effectively understanding, discovering and resolving issues (both in crime and in accident/incident investigation). And I understand the strong desire to better society by removing violent deviants from being a risk to the public.

But once the police dropped the ball here, this became her choice 100% (I'm not certain of the laws, but it may have been her choice even if it had been offered). I am glad that many women go through this invasive process to increase the chance of removing scum like this from society. But I can see where some people may not be able to.

For Sweden > Gamecat235
08/14/2014 at 17:10

It can be extremely hard for the victims to sit through interviews or physical evidence collection; be they victims of a crime or forced to watch dozens, if not hundreds, of people in the same pressurized tube burned to death.

AllTheFunAtOnce > LemonadeLover
08/14/2014 at 17:11

Team AllTheFunLemonadeLoversAtOnce :)

Gamecat235 > For Sweden
08/14/2014 at 17:24

I still understand where your intentions are, but individuals also need to know their own limitations, and when there is a threshold that is being passed, be allowed to say no. I can't go through with this.

I really do understand the greater good argument, and I am a proponent of the approach. But there has to be a balance which respects and does not allow an individual to come to further, possibly irreparable harm.

My guess is that we will have to agree to disagree, and just move on.

GeorgeyBoy > C. Rhodes (croguesberg)
08/14/2014 at 18:00

Thank you. Here in Michigan they told us we would have to go to Ohio if she wanted it. They wouldn't of denied her in Ohio. Although the officer here in Michigan made it clear it would likely just be useless.

GeorgeyBoy > doubletroublepox
08/14/2014 at 18:05

No they didn't test her for drugs. They said 6 hours is usually the max they would see anything.

LemonadeLover > AllTheFunAtOnce
08/14/2014 at 18:35

I love that it actually makes perfect sense as a team name!

OnMyMindGrapes > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 18:57

Hey. Another GTer here who has been through this (though not the drugging part). Everything that happens going forward needs to be on her terms. She was violated in an horrific manner, so whether or not to call a lawyer, make complaints against the police, get a rape kit (which may be too late at this point) are all up to her. Period. Rape kits are incredibly invasive, and there are about 400,000 untested rape kits sitting in evidence rooms throughout the country at this moment. The idea that she will go through a rape kit and it will be immediately tested and will match with someone that's already in the system and that their attorney won't absolutely destroy her on the stand and the rapist will be convicted is a fairy tale. I'm not saying she shouldn't do it if she wants to (SHE ABSOLUTELY SHOULD), but I don't think it should be the main focus at this point.

Support, support, support. She needs therapy. She also needs a person or group of people who have been through this to talk to, whether that's online or IRL. Being a rape survivor can be incredibly isolating because it's not something that's discussed in everyday conversation. I know we would be happy to help in her in GT, but she should also seek out local resources. As should you. You're going to have to go through this with her, and your totally normal emotional reactions won't always be something she will always be able to handle. You absolutely need and deserve an outlet of your own.

I hope you come back to us if you need additional support. I'm always willing to lend an ear, both to your gf and you. Be well.

OnMyMindGrapes > Gamecat235
08/14/2014 at 19:20

You, I like. I can't throw a gif up so I had to just say it.

Gamecat235 > OnMyMindGrapes
08/14/2014 at 19:28

Thank you. =)

That gives me a nice warm fuzzy feeling.

I also would post a gif, but instead I am forced to emote. I'm trying to remember how to do that properly. I really appreciate all of the help, support and feedback that everyone provided here. It was amazing. Thank you to everyone.

OnMyMindGrapes > Gamecat235
08/14/2014 at 19:55

I actually have no idea what Oppo Lock is. But I know that GT has a rep for being a place full of humorless feminists. I'm actually a feminist that gets paid to teach and perform comedy. But, as this posts illustrates, sometimes you need somewhere you can go vent about shit that happens to you just because you're a woman or woman-adjacent human living on this planet. Hopefully we did some Heal The World bullshit up here tonight.

Gamecat235 > OnMyMindGrapes
08/14/2014 at 20:02

We're the off topic forum for Jalopnik, mostly we talk about cars, planes and other things that move. And we have our own reputations for being a bit crass, but as with any generalization, you always miss the details. =)

I've been a member of both communities for years (and am a moderator here, in fact we based our guidelines on Slay's GT guidelines), and as I fall more into a technical category of "humanist" (equality for all, judge folks on their actions and merit) I fall in quite easily with feminists.

I think that reaching across boundaries and divides can be awesome, different communities have different specialties, and when you understand the differences, they can be celebrated and embraced.

C. Rhodes (croguesberg) > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 20:28

She should be able to get a rape kit done anywhere, it's performed by hospital staff and turned over to the police not the other way around. And the "useless" thing is something that the cops often use in order to discourage people to file reports, it's absolute bullcrap and something that a lot of PDs are trying to reeducate officers on. It's not at all true. There is a backlog, but the only way to make progress is to have information.

Just for your (And her) education: "Under the Violence Against Women Act, the state of Michigan is required to offer free, emergency-room forensic rape examinations. Survivors who wish to physical collect evidence up to 96 hours after experiencing sexual assault can receive a free examination. St. Joseph Mercy Health System in Ypsilanti and the University of Michigan Health System offer examinations." That information is from the university obviously but the first part is per federal legislation and anyone refusing her a rape kit needs to be reported to the authorities immediately.

I would also encourage you (and her) to check out RAINN. They may be able to help her find a specialist that will navigate all the police stuff with you. If I was any closer I would do it with you but I'm all the way in Chicago and it's been years since I lived in Ohio.

Just remember: to report or not is her choice, not anyone else's. But once she's made the choice to report, the police are required by federal and state law to take her statement and provide her with resources for a rape kit.

Please let me and GroupThink know if we can do anything to help. We're here.

doubletroublepox > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 21:57

Good luck with this. You sound like a very caring and kind boyfriend. I hope both you and your girlfriend get the support you need and that you heal over time.

doubletroublepox > GeorgeyBoy
08/14/2014 at 22:43

One more thing- 6 hours sounds like a very low estimate for testing for drugs. Considering people I know who have taken them (for fun) have been high for 12+ hours. Also, I have been told you have 24 hours for most drugs that are used for rape. Anyway, again, I hope you both come through this alright.

GeorgeyBoy > C. Rhodes (croguesberg)
08/15/2014 at 01:53

I'm really shocked to read that. The nurse that specializes in the rape kits said she would not be able to give an exam because there was no assault in Michigan. I can't remember exactly how she worded it. They contacted Cleveland which told them to deal with it. She basically said they didn't stick their neck out so they couldn't do anything. She then made a big deal that Ohio law was different and that anyone could get a rape kit there so long as the person consented.

C. Rhodes (croguesberg) > GeorgeyBoy
08/15/2014 at 07:38

I'm not a specialist in Michigan state law (obviously), but this does seem to fly in the fact of federal laws. I would really encourage you to call one of the rape crisis centers near you (you can find them here http://centers.rainn.org/ ) and get an expert to help you. What you were told is setting off all sorts of warning bells in my head, sounds so much like the campus cops I had to deal with when I was an RA. People would often rather brush this all under the rug instead of dealing with it like they should.

Dsscats > GeorgeyBoy
08/15/2014 at 18:46

I know this must be such a hard time for both of you and I really hate to suggest this, but I think it might be a good idea to take an emergency contraceptive, just in case. I would hate for something like that to happen. I believe in this case, it's much better to be safe than sorry.